Awareness

I feel like Tommy A's new video series is have a huge effect on my overall awareness. Just by being aware of what state of mind I'm in and what I'm thinking makes me much more aware of the way I play and think about poker.

Results and Emotion
I used to want to acheive some zen-like stage where I don't feel results. Where I could finish a session $5k up or down and be indifferent and not let it alter my emotion. I've come to realise that sometimes I do want to celebrate results and sometimes there's no getting away from being down about a bad run. The ideal might be to become emotionless with regards to poker and results, but that's no fun and not for me. Poker is gambling and it's fun, winning and losing large amounts of money is one of the things that I love about it, it's a rush.

However I do think it is important to keep your emotions under control. This means not being egotistical, not being cocky about wins and remaining positive and realistic throughout bad stretches. It's also important to understand when you're running well, and when you're running bad and not let results mislead you.

To look at results or not?
This month rather than hiding all of my results in HM (like last month) I've allowed myself to check results outside of sessions. After trying out both ways I've came to a few conclusions... I really like looking at my results and I probably spend a little too much time doing so. Not viewing results focusses me more on decisions, when all to look at in HM is hands I spend more time on strategy. Seeing my results motivates me, last month I was really struggling towards the end of the month as I felt kind of disassociated from the $$$ aspect of poker (until I lost a fuck-ton of it). So no conclusion really, both options have pros and cons and I'll probably mix them up when I feel fit.

Goals, Targets and Money
At the start of each month I create goals or targets for the month, an important thing to do and very motivating throughout the month. I know that I shouldn't make a $$$ goal for the month as variance can play a major factor often throwing results off through no fault of my play. However, if I lose $3k in a month I'm still going to be unhappy, if I win $11k in a month I'm going to be very happy. I don't seem to have control over the way I feel in that sense, my mind kind of overrides non-results orientedness at a certain level.

I still do set $$$ targets in the back of my mind and my recent upswing has made me realise that. I've always wanted to get to the stage where I'm having regular $10k+ months and now I'm past $10k for the month I feel myself slowing down. Just because I try not to set monthly $$$ targets doesn't mean I don't, whether I like it or not there's still a certain amount of results orientation in my mind and I think it's important to be aware of it.

Yesterday I played a session where I felt like I was kind of floating through it, trying to concentrate but kind of on auto-pilot... I made a couple of light call-downs and quit, pissed off at myself. My head just didn't feel in it. It bothered me for a while and I re-read some sections of EOP and Poker Mindset without really finding any answers. Then I became aware... I'm already up over $10k this month and my results orientated mind has decided that it's met its goal already. Results are still ruling part of my mind and affecting my play at this present time.

I can't let this happen, not just because I need some $20k months to balance out the breakeven months, but also because I'd like to make a lot more and it's important that I keep pushing harder and harder. I can't just slow down when I make a certain amount of money that my mind deems that it's comfortable with. For now I'm just going to set a new target to make $20k this month and work towards that. Right or wrong, money is my motivation and setting a higher $$$ goal motivates me... and I need motivation for the rest of the month.